


All that I've got.

by Emerald_Mischief



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen, How Do I Tag, I Tried, I have Loki feels, I haven't watched Infinity War and I will not, I haven't wrote and posted in a while sorry folks, I was having feels, The avengers tower is empty for some reason???, There's some BAD WORDS GUYS, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is brotherly, fuck you Thanos, fuck you ebony maw, it may suck?, loki has feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 06:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17699327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emerald_Mischief/pseuds/Emerald_Mischief
Summary: Avengers Tower felt like another dimension, empty and cold, forgotten to the length of time. Thor wanted it to be alive again, full of laughter and warmth but it wasn’t. It wasn’t going to be for a long, long time. “Are you afraid of the truth?” Thor heard his voice crack, unfamiliar to his own ears.He couldn’t even look at Loki, couldn’t bring himself to look up at his brother. The liar. “Yes.” the reply was quick, making Thor drag his eyes up to see his brother’s face for a minute, to witness the deeply exhausted look in his eyes. How pale, how diminished he looked.





	All that I've got.

In the vast empty room, void of most furniture and only housed two beings came a voice. It was on one side of the room, echoing off the walls that remained undecorated. Still. “Sometimes,” they said, very quietly, “I think you break my heart.” a pause, it was sincere and small. It almost hurt to hear. “Sometimes,” came the reply, echoing in a similar fashion, voice deeper set, “I almost believe you actually have one.” Silence took over the void again, neither of them moved or made another comment. They’d run out of things to say after all these years, after all this time.

But it was familiar. This dance. Thor was the cause of Loki’s pain and Loki was heartless, unfeeling. Despite the contradictions. Loki wanted to lash out at him, tell him off, tell him that he was wrong. Bare his pain to his big brother even though he knew it would be cast aside as an act. A lie. Thor...Thor was tired, you could see it pressing into every crease on his face, between his brows, at the corners of his eyes. He was exhausted with the fighting, he just wanted Loki to tell him the truth, when the truth was happening, not push it away like he always did to come up with a better, well suited outcome.

There was a time when Thor would listen to Loki’s lies because he knew eventually he’d know the truth, by Loki’s admittance or his own sleuthing. Thor was good at figuring things out but sometimes the webs that Loki wove became too tight for him to fit, too complicated to follow. And Loki... Loki trapped himself away. He couldn’t even get out of his own webs. His own tangled lies and painful tricks. He tried so hard to fight them but they were sticky and his knives dull.

Avengers Tower felt like another dimension, empty and cold, forgotten to the length of time. Thor wanted it to be alive again, full of laughter and warmth but it wasn’t. It wasn’t going to be for a long, long time. “Are you afraid of the truth?” Thor heard his voice crack, unfamiliar to his own ears. He couldn’t even look at Loki, couldn’t bring himself to look up at his brother. The liar. “Yes.” the reply was quick, making Thor drag his eyes up to see his brother’s face for a minute, to witness the deeply exhausted look in his eyes. How pale, how diminished he looked. “What is it about the truth that scares you?” he wanted quick, honest answers.

“Everything. I don’t control it. I can’t control it.” lies were easy to control, he could be a King in his head when really he was just a little boy without a mother, not knowing what to do. Scrambling for power, for peace. “Why does that scare you so much?” Thor sat forward, elbows on his knees so he could study his brother’s unwillingly exposed form. How uncomfortable he was made Thor happy. How terrible. “Because then..” he took a moment, sighing. “Then I’m nothing, really, truly nothing. In the grand scheme of everything, I don’t matter.” even though he knew that wasn’t true, most of the time that’s how the truth made him feel. Like nothing.

Less than nothing; unwanted. “And I know, I mean something to you so before you go on that tangent, I understand our bond is..” unbreakable? It was broken. It had been many times. Unique? Probably, it wasn’t like anything he’d experienced but that wasn’t to say no one else had. “I don’t know what it is anymore but..” oh he felt sick, too much all at once. “Asgard still went on without me.” obviously, it had to, it was a Kingdom but he knew if it was Thor that fell off the Bifrost, things would have been different. “And I..know you can’t stop the world from turning but I..” he felt forgotten. He really did.

“I never stopped looking for you.” Thor sighed, he wasn’t annoyed, he understood what Loki was saying and he wished he could stop the world to convey his sadness, he wished he could say Asgard wouldn’t work without him but it did. It was a little emptier, a little less happy, it was...lonely for Thor and Frigga. Sure, Odin didn’t express his sadness and maybe he didn’t have any but they’d never know. “I know, I never stopped waiting for you to find me.” it was Loki’s voice that cracked this time, splitting right in half like Thor’s heart. “I prayed and I screamed and I begged Heimdall to take me home, to tell you, to tell Mother - To tell Father where I was.” oh god how he screamed, even while he was being chased around, limping...broken, away from Ebony Maw and his goons.

“No one could hear me...no one heard me. Then it didn’t matter because I didn’t have a voice.” lips sewn shut, his words swallowed. “All I could do was whimper when and only when I was alone.” maybe, just maybe if he suffered through this and told Thor what happened...maybe he’d get it. Maybe he’d get why he needed control so badly. Thor shifted, sitting on the edge of his seat, waiting for him to continue. “That’s of course if I could breathe on my own. Do you know how difficult it is to breathe through one lung and a broken nose? How difficult it is to breathe with hands...” Loki pressed a hand to his chest, gripping the sweater he wore. “Under your rib cage, preventing you from moving, from screaming, from...” he could still feel them.. He straightened up.

“Ebony Maw’s slimy little fingers..” he held up his own hand as if he could just..see them. “working on tearing and squeezing and restricting even the most important functions.” he didn’t know where Ebony Maw had learned to phase through things and he didn’t want to. “He wasn’t the only one that liked to worm their way into my chest..” no, there was plenty of them, the same make and model as Ebony Maw. Whatever that ungodly creature was. “It hurt so much but I wasn’t allowed to scream. I couldn’t scream.” Not without tearing his lips to ribbons.

“Then I realized...” he saw Thor get up from his seat, he was slowly approaching Loki with a look of distress upon his already exhausted and mortified face. Loki stood up as well, though unsteady from the memories and the damage in his head, he gripped the chair to keep himself upright, a hand outstretched to keep Thor from rushing to him. “I realized that I could stop the pain by playing along, all I had to do was lie.” despite the tears in his eyes, he smiled, “I always thought I was a good liar but being there with them made me perfect.” he hissed, Thor got closer, hands out to his little brother. “don’t touch me!” Loki backed away, Thor recoiled like he’d been burned.

“I’m not done yet. You wanted the truth, didn’t you?!” the venom in his tone made Thor hurt but it wasn’t like normal, this wasn’t Loki angry at him, no, this was just Loki expressing his anger, his pain and that’s why it hurt. Why didn’t he see his little brother’s pain? “Yes..I’m sorry, continue.” Thor spoke softly, hands up, surrendering. “That’s where I fucked up, brother mine. Once I allowed them to feel convinced, they convinced me. I was played like a god damn fiddle in the devils hands.” he laughed, though it shook.

“That’s when they started messing with my head..playing around with my memories, twisting them up and making them...not mine, not right, wrong, they were so wrong.” he knew they were, it was like watching them for the first time, oh how they hurt. “You...tossing me into an abyss..me, never being happy when we were kids. My right to rule, my need..” he shook his head, they were all false, that’s not how he thought. “He made me believe they were true, made me so angry, so hurt..” Revenge is all he wanted, on Thor, on Asgard, on Earth for having his brother’s attention more than he did.

“There are still memories in my head that I...I can’t seem to figure out if they’re real.” some...he had two versions, three or four... “I didn’t know which way was up when I was in New York, I was just so...” Hellbent. “And it hurt, so much. It still hasn’t stopped hurting.” he doubted he would ever heal from what Ebony Maw did to him. His insides would never be the same, ever again. “I never had control, that’s all I wanted...everything was so out of my control..” the more the tried to get a hold of himself, the less he understood.

He looked down at his hands, he half expected them to be covered in blood with how sticky and hot they felt. “No matter how much I wash, Ill never stop feeling like this.” Thor frowned, reaching out with his hands again but this time Loki took his hands. “I’m not sure what to say Loki..I have no clue how to relate to any of that...but I want you to know that..” he rubbed his thumbs over Loki’s knuckles, kneading at them. They were too hot for is usually chilled skin, he must have been so uncomfortable...

Thor just gently guided him over to the sink, turning on the water, cold water and guided his hands under them. “I want you to know that I...I’m here, I’m sorry I didn’t find you and get you home before all of that...” he rolled Loki’s sleeves and ran the cold water over his wrists too, “I’m here..” he repeated, Loki rested his head on his shoulder with a sigh. “Thank you for telling me all that...” he nuzzled is brother’s dark hair, fingers rubbing circles against the cooling skin under the water. “Thank you for listening..” the reply was soft, a hair above a whisper.

Thor let the water run for a few more minutes before he turned it off, grabbing a soft towel to wrap his brothers hands up in. He was so gentle, so slow and calm as he dried Loki’s fingers, wanting his little brother to feel taken care of. “I never got that hug.” Loki muttered, it made Thor look up at him, he looked drained, sad and in need of a little TLC. “Come get your hug then.” Thor smiled, holding his arms out to his brother as the other stepped forward and molded himself in the space between his arms. His hands gripped the back of Thor’s shirt, nose buried into the junction of Thor’s shoulder and neck, chest to chest, Thor made sure there was no space between them.

This was Thor’s little brother. He may have been a little broken, a little bruised, a little lost and a little confused but he was good and Thor missed him. “you’re all that I’ve got..” he heard mumbled against him, he sighed with a nod. “I'm here and I’ve got you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Its been 82 years. I've been trying to write but nothing comes out good so here's my trash. Enjoy. Thanks for reading. You guys are awesome.


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